On Thursday, I took a three hour program called safeTALK which aimed to try and build suicide alertness, with the view that suicide is everybody’s business.
I couldn't agree more.
Obviously I say that with a great degree of bias, but I think that the facts surrounding mental health and suicide indicate that it is an issue which is pertinent to a majority of the community.
I don't really want to discuss the safeTALK program itself in this post – if you are interested, you can check out their website and find the next available training session – rather, I want to discuss one of the ideas which was brought up. This was framed in the context of suicide and being alert to it, however I think that it’s something which can definitely be applied more generally.
The idea was that of an invitation to talk.
This might seem a little contradictory, but often we will be given clues about how a person is feeling from their actions, words and even just their emotions. Some examples might be noticing that a person is withdrawing more and spending less time with friends or not doing things which they previously enjoyed doing. Perhaps you might hear them saying things which are out of character and may be worrying or simply noticing a shift in their mood. All of these things may indicate that something is not right.
I think that often if we see things happen, we can often be quite dismissive of it and I know particularly in Australia we take a "s/he'll be right" attitude. Even if we do pursue it slightly, often the person can be quite defensive or dismissive themselves and therefore it is not uncommon for people to just back off instead of questioning further.
The idea that we explored was that even though people may be acting in ways which indicate that they do not want to talk about it - the fact that they are giving off these clues show that they actually do.
Some questions for discussion. Leave your thoughts in the comments (and anonymous comments are welcome!)
The idea that we explored was that even though people may be acting in ways which indicate that they do not want to talk about it - the fact that they are giving off these clues show that they actually do.
Some questions for discussion. Leave your thoughts in the comments (and anonymous comments are welcome!)
- Can you think of any such "invitations" which may indicate that someone is not feeling their best?
- I know that a friend of mine may notice that something is wrong but out of "respect of the other person's privacy", he won't ask questions. What are some other reasons that people may not ask a person about their mental health and/or if they are okay?
- Why do you think that concerned friends or family may simply stop their line of questioning if they are met with resistance?
- Why might someone who really does want help and wants someone to realise that they're not okay simply dismiss the other person?
Most importantly though, how can we change this culture of brushing things off? The same friend told me that he believes "there has been so much advocacy for mental health in Australia that [..] there is anywhere near as much negativity as there used to be, especially in the younger generation". And whilst I believe that this is true, I think that there still exists some sort of barrier which we need to cross. As another friend said, "you can conceptualise it, and support it in theory but totally miss it when it's in front of your face and somebody you know is going through stuff". More often that not, actually being confronted with a problem can be difficult and isn't helped by the belief that calling a person out on their behaviour may exacerbate the problem.
Either way, I think that the first part of helping starts not at professionals necessarily, but at friends and family and those close to the person. After all, it is these people who may be able to recognise that people may not be mentally well and thus be able to approach them, and support them. Part of this is to try and find the balance between not pressuring someone and also wanting them to be open, and moreover, being prepared to listen to them and refer them onto someone more professional if necessary.
Interesting!
ReplyDeleteLike your friend said, I think one of the main reasons why those close to the person, or even people who notice that something's a little off, choose to avoid asking questions is the fear of overstepping the boundaries. Perhaps another reason is that they think themselves incapable of handling just what might come and leaving the person much worse off than before. But it would be naive to believe that all people genuinely think this. I think that others just want to believe that they shouldn't pry, just to feel a little less guilty when they deal with their own problems, which probably are less significant.
Thanks for the post Milly!
ReplyDeleteI definitely think that it can be too easy to miss an invitation.
In one scenario, there was a friend who would always go off by themselves and walk around to clear their head. And everyone else would say, "they're alright, they always does that", when they weren't actually alright. Perhaps everyone else thought that…they didn't want to intrude. Or that they had tried, but, like you said, they had been rebuked, over and over again, and just accepted it. Or most heartbreakingly, the onlookers didn't know what to do.
So in answer to your questions, I think invitations, in addition to appearing sad and withdrawing from friends, might include:
- Acting inconsistently - happy one moment and withdrawn the next
- Joking about being depressed, about self-harm and suicide
And for reasons why people might not ask:
- Not knowing what to ask, how to ask it, whether or not it might offend, or perhaps make the problems worse
- Not wanting to think of the worse
- Not realising that it's a possibility, especially when it's a family member
- Sometimes, there might be a cultural/generational/professional barrier between two people where one person needs to seem 'stronger' - e.g. Asking your parents about mental health
- Not feeling "close" enough to the person to intrude (which is a problem for me)
Why family and friends might stop at resistance:
- Generational/cultural gap
- Perhaps their loved one has begun to feel this way for a long while, with changes so gradual that they don't perceive it?
- Fear of upsetting their loved one?
And why someone might dismiss:
- Not wanting to be perceived as "weak" or judged poorly by other people
- Not wanting to confide in someone they don't know well, because they don't know if they can trust them
I think that for someone who doesn't feel okay and who doesn't feel like they can confide in other people… a part of that reason may be the social stigma surrounding mental health. But another part might be the person's own negative evaluation of themselves. For example, if I was going through some issues, I might be thinking that I'm silly, being stupid, that I'm the problematic one. That my issues are insignificant, that I should be able to get over myself - and hence, expect the same thoughts in other people.
So to change this culture, I think that there needs to just be more conversation and education.
Especially throughout primary and high school, where adolescents are more prone to harsh social environments, at an often more vulnerable and insecure stage. It's great that we're having these discussions at university, and in the online space. But I remember that throughout high school, at my high school at least, we had barely any discussion on the topic from teachers. There were occasionally posters and campaigns, and school counsellors were available for referral, but often, these discussions occurred behind closed doors. Aside from those instances, mental health was NEVER discussed. Which was just incredibly poor form for an institution where young adults spent a large part of their waking hours. In fact, little societal issues were ever discussed.
And I think that if we truly want a cultural shift, we need to address it at all levels. YouTube videos, public health campaigns, are fantastic. But we need to create safe environments for these discussions, and I think that this should be pushed in schools, where there's an excellent opportunity to equip young people with information about mental health, and give them the skills to be ABLE to, if they wish, have these discussions with their friends and peers.
Sorry that this is so wordy! Thanks for reading, and I'd love to hear people's thoughts. Especially on the question of whether or not schools should discuss mental health, and if so, how?
Thank you for your thoughtful comments!
ReplyDeleteNeda raises the interesting point of talking about mental illness in schools. From my own point of view, talking about these issues as a teacher to student type interaction can seem incredibly condescending and patronising. In some ways it can even turn people off from talking about these things meaningfully. Ideally, schools should be places where people get an all-round education including "societal issues", but this is not necessarily the case (sadly). Often in fact, schools are the incubators and sources of negative feelings. This is probably a hard thing to change in the short term and I agree that we need to foster a safe environment where these discussions can happen. However, the individual has a role to play. And by making personal connections like inviting people to talk, I think that could be more important and impactful than anything the school can impose.